Self-reflection using Characterization Dossier, which has its roots on my very first TED talk given in 2016
What do the characters andcommonalities in literary pieces teach you about yourself? Are any of the psychological theories relevant to your understanding of your — psyche?
The most important search for me this semester was not a job search like most of my friends these days are heavily invested in, but it was about finding out who I am. I was deeply moved by Carl Jung’s way of explaining the human psyche with a persona and her shadow, and especially his explanation that the true self should be a synthesis of the two. I’ll use this framework to understand my own psyche.
I have learned through the women in the novels (Teresa, the woman in Psychology, and Rosemary) that it is perfectly normal to feel conflicted between my persona and my shadow. While my persona is quiet and doesn’t come forward in many circumstances, my shadow points the opposite direction. My shadow loves being the center of attention, thought I don’t show it in an obvious manner. But a shadow, while it can personally feel shameful to oneself, is not necessarily absolutely bad, just as how Teresa yearns for love.
However, the desire to be noticed remains a shadow because over it looms a bigger shadow, which is fear of rejection. It is similar to the man and the woman in Psychology and has the same consequence to me- I often times don’t dare to get what I want because I am terrified of being let down. This shadow has an origin- it was formed over many years of my upbringing that involved too many expectations and high hopes from my parents. Considering the after effect that this had on me, my teenage years can even be called a trauma. This trauma inflicted a semi-PTSD that I am still learning to overcome. The first time I overcame it was by looking at my traumatic experience as a teenager square in the face and charging towards it like La Folle did. Acknowledging my trauma and deciding to delve into it was the first step. Of course, acknowledgement and a bit of self-investigation of the issue didn’t solve everything all at once, but it was like taking the first step beyond what I had grown comfortable to. Because after all, overcoming a trauma is meant to be a step-by-step process, just like how La Folle wobbles slowly and uncertainly for the second time to cross the bayou.
Achieving my true self is an act of balance. I have to keep reminding myself that my shadow is something to embrace. But in order to encompass my shadow, I first need to understand that, learning from Rollo May, no experience is either good or bad, regardless of how it makes me feel. Even suffering is not something to be fixed, but rather to be accepted in Poe’s way of Silence. In case dealing with Silence becomes too straining, an easier way is to seek help from others. The woman in Psychology magically comes to peace at the end of the story after an emotional turmoil. All that happened in the midst of the transition was the visit from the old virgin, who was able to give the woman a sense of connection and confirmation of affection she was lacking.
The self-realization that I have been trying to achieve over the past years will continue through the rest of my life, but one thing I now know for sure is that the first step is to notice your shadow. Say hi to it. Then stare at it long enough to figure out what it looks like and what is making up the shape. As you keep staring at it in silence, don’t forget to remind yourself that for there to be a shadow, there must be light shining above your head.
And one more thing, feel free to soak up the warmth that it graciously offers.
Books mentioned:
A Cup of Tea — Katherine Mansfield
Psychology — Katherine Mansfield
Beyond the Bayou — Kate Chopin
Silence- Edgar Allan Poe
Her Lover — Maxim Gorky
